"Most Irrational Fear" Answers for Hinge

You have a lizard

You have a ferret 

You have two ferrets and a dead lizard that’s been rotting out under the heat lamps inside its terrarium for several weeks

You call your dad “daddy”

You call me “daddy” but in like, a very mundane context, like while doing a crossword puzzle

You have an ex-boyfriend who is a violent stalker and I’m the first guy you’ve been with since, and you think because I identify as an “artist” that I know how to change a lock

You ask me to come see your Grateful Dead tribute band, and the band is actually okay but you’re the drummer and you’re clearly the weakest link 

You invite me to your comedy show and you do a bunch of plagiarized jokes from a Netflix special I watched the night before and no one knows except me 

You make me watch the episode of Law & Order that you were on and your portrayal is so unconvincing that I start sympathizing with the perp

You send me pictures of your family dog and it’s a haggard, cataract-ridden mess, and you ask me how cute I think it is 

You make me Matcha cookies and expectantly await my reaction as I take a bite

You check all the boxes and seem like a total catch, but then I find out you’re an influencer

You check all the boxes and seem like a total catch, but embedded at the bottom of your profile, inexplicably, is my ex’s Instagram feed instead of yours, and I am suddenly confronted with the advertisement for her better and richer new boyfriend that her once personal account has now become 

You check all the boxes and seem like a total catch, but you quickly reveal that your sexual fantasy is a threesome with your brother a la Bertolucci’s The Dreamers 

You check all the boxes and seem like a total catch, but then I find out that your grandpa killed my grandpa in the holocaust 

You read this list and call me and ask if any of these were about you and get more upset that none of them were 

You read this list and call The New Yorker and arrange for a rebuttal wherein you rip into me for every transgression I’ve ever committed and end up becoming a famous writer off the strength of your vitriolic takedown while I wither away and die in obscurity 

You read this list and then, as a ‘fuck you,’ you get a gecko, and that gecko becomes famous on Instagram and meets Rihanna or at least Jonathan Van Ness and in turn, I wither away and die in obscurity 

You love me so much that all of my traumas and all of my baggage and all of my anxieties vanish into the ether, and even though I didn’t think I was ready, I fall deeply in love with you, letting go of every negative thought, every sarcastic dig, every self-effacing impulse, and by the time we move in together, into our floor-through apartment in our Cobble Hill brownstone, I’m so full of hope and positive energy that I lose whatever spark of ingenuity that all those years of suffering had generated in me, and when I put my pen to the paper, my voice is a sedate, neutered little husk of its former self, and I circle the drain year after fruitless year until I wither away and die in obscurity

You’re a Red Sox fan