My Mother's God Willing

I shouldn’t have said that thing about priests diddling children in front of my mom 

I think I’m just jealous that she has a higher power at whose feet she can lay her most insurmountable problems 

We have a cricket living in the basement and he talks to the crickets who live outside and I feel bad that he’s somehow gotten separated

You don’t really hear crickets in New York

Sometimes a feral cat or neglected dog howling in the air shaft

I did see a squirrel recently fall out of a tree on Fifth Avenue by the park 

He looked hurt, definitely shellshocked 

I had just gotten out of the doctor and I too was hurt, definitely shellshocked

I choked down a sandwich on a bench with the names of a genial sounding dead couple engraved on it and told my mom I had a good run 

Elsewhere in Central Park, I imagined, an unknowable amount of people were having this exact same conversation

I’m not worried about New York, I’m worried about myself 

But maybe later, God willing, we could convalesce together

(I should clarify and say “my mother’s God willing”) 

Let Mums Down

For Craig, April 2021

I was 20 when I found you in the back room at bank street
The bass in your laugh gregarious enough to settle my stomach 
I had never been in a room with people who really did this shit
Just people who talked about it
I was playing a buddy of yours
Which is funny because I now know you were 43
And yet you were probably one of the first people
Who ever treated me like a man
You were big upping me afterwards 
Which was also foreign to me
A spirit that generous
It felt good to be in your presence 

Except later that week 
I stood in that same building
Shaking in front of a music stand
Reading this saccharine dorm room eulogy 
Over this girl who broke my heart or whatever 
I remember leaving my body and waiting for myself to finish
Mumbling this shitty poem into my sneakers
I forget when it was
Maybe a year later?
You told me you remembered that flailing attempt at 
“Performance”
Asking me who was that meek little guy up there
And where the cat from the beginning of the week was 
And why I hadn’t showed up as him
And you said it all with a smile
But I couldn’t help feeling like I let you down

I guess the hardest part of writing to you
Is because I’m always trying to impress you
Ever since the first time you saw 
Mumbling my shitty post-adolescent poetry into a music stand 
And asked me who was that guy up there
And where was Potters? 
Where was he at?
And you were smiling that big toothy smile
But I couldn’t shake the feeling that I 
Let you down

And even now I’m doing 
Everything in my power
To avoid writing this
Lest I do it as the smallest version of myself
And not as whoever it was you saw in me
Like when Nas finally heard the Cole single 
And was like
This ain’t you
I just think
Nothing would piss you off more
Than me being half ass
But it feels like
I got your flowers sitting on my dresser 
Wrapped in a bow I cut from the 
Channel Orange liner notes
And the page I tore out of King’s County 
Where Lemon shouts you out
But I never got around to sending them 
Cause I couldn’t think of what to write 
On the card 

You drew the blueprint 
For this multi-hyphenated lifestyle
How you could rock the mic one night
Saying lines you wrote for yourself (Cause who was gonna write them better?)
And then the next night pop up on my tv
When I least expected you 
You, the glue that held the 
New York cinematic universe together 
And yet one of the most superheroic things about you
Was how you saved so many of us from our own mediocrity 
(Who would have the balls to let you down?)

You knew what it was like
To be failed by your body 
And yet I never saw you show 
An ounce of fear 
I don’t know how not to be afraid 
Which is to say 
Even and especially now 
I still have a lot to learn from you

Notes from the Bread Line (Written for Grubstreet in April 2020)

The first restaurant job I ever got in New York was at a Belgian spot in the East 20’s in the winter of 2012. My buddy Mike got me a gig working the take-out counter, where my responsibilities included scooping gelato and making espresso drinks on a shitty old dual-grouphead machine. On my first day, someone from the kitchen showed me how to dispose of the glue traps under the bar with not-entirely-dead mice stuck to them. Later, a couple back-waiters tried to show me how to steam milk but none of them could agree on how to do it or what milk texture was desirable or which YouTube video explained best. 

Mike and I were in undergrad together, both saddling ourselves with debt to complete our BFAs in theater. We worked at several more of the same restaurants before he left the service industry for good to perform in a touring a cappella group. There are probably new mice in the traps as I write this; I don’t know if any of them had artistic aspirations. 

A couple years later, on the morning of my graduation, I stopped into Blind Barber on Lorimer Street, the Brooklyn “daytime” outpost of the famous East Village nightlife joint where I’d been working for a couple of months. I was wearing my conspicuous purple gown and carrying my cap to preserve my pomaded hair, which had been cut and styled by one of our barbers the night before. Whoever was managing that day—I think it was Vinnie—gave me a dap and congratulated me while Dave poured me my gratis coffee in an eight ounce cup. Maybe it was the buzz from the anticipation of the rest of my life, but I remember that visit being the first time I felt a sense of belonging at any job I’d ever had. 

For the three years I worked at Blind Barber, we retained almost all of the same front-of-house staff. All of us were artists, most at least semi-professionally. There was Colin, the lead singer of several bands in Williamsburg; Tim, a spatial designer and occasional stick-and-poke artist; Cody, a singer-songwriter with a prolific Soundcloud output; Ofer, a drummer for an Israeli band that played packed shows in Tel Aviv; Tadhg, a cartoonist we celebrated the night after his illustration ran in the New Yorker; and Rick, a misanthropic improv performer and aspiring comic. Even Matt, the owner that hired me, was a former actor who’d stepped down from running a prominent downtown theater company just months before we opened. 

Off the clock, we listened to each others’ music, pulled up each other’s shows, and even came together one weekend to make an absurd short film commemorating Colin’s last day in New York. In the middle of service, we shot a scene where Colin steals all the money from the register in the middle of a brunch shift. Nobody got mad. We were a family.  

My artistic life regularly inserted itself into my little Blind Barber universe, or maybe vice versa. I was steaming milk—this time, expertly—when John Patrick Shanley called me on my cell phone and asked me to be in the play he’d just finished writing. I was lamenting to Hank, an OG regular, about an audition for this show Red Oaks I’d just bombed, when a guy named Esmer yelled from down the bar: “Red Oaks? I’m in that show!” I meted out the first act of an art heist movie with another regular, Steph, who sat perched on a stool next to my register editing her manuscript, only for her to tell me I was pitching the plot of The Goldfinch and would have to scrap my whole idea. (Not satisfied, I ran it by another regular, who responded by giving me two hours of notes and taking me to an opening at Barbara Gladstone). 

A year later, after numerous auditions, I finally booked a tiny part on Red Oaks. I don’t know whether he put in a good word for me or not, but when I made it to set there was Esmer, beaming and introducing me to everyone without revealing how we knew each other. A few months later, Steph’s book was published. It was called Sweetbitter.

Business was a little erratic as the neighborhood continued to gentrify and new cafes began popping up around us, but even in the slowest stretches, we never lost our small core of regulars from the neighborhood. What became clear as the years dragged on was that most of our customers weren’t there for the coffee, or our custom-brewed signature IPA, or the bacon-egg-and-cheese sandwiches Haveen used to cook on a little hot plate behind the counter. They were there to see us. 

When Blind Barber Brooklyn closed its daytime operation in 2017 (it would shut down for good the following year), I got a job working at a soon-to-be esteemed restaurant in a major New York museum. The qualifications for front-of-house staff listed in the ad I’d answered included bullets like “well rounded” and “knowledge of music, art, fashion, literature, news, etc.” Though this seemed like ludicrous criteria for what was primarily a coffee job, I liked the idea of a bar packed with people smarter than me who might fill in gaps in my cultural education and help complete my transformation into an erudite New Yorker. 

That never materialized. On the cafe side of the restaurant, most of the people whose orders we took and whose drinks we made barely noticed us. When we did entertain guests who lingered at the bar, we performed our roles as learned New Yorkers to people who asked us questions like “where are you really from?” and “has anyone told you it’s illegal not to take cash?” But the dining room was gorgeous, the pastry case smelled like cardamon and cinnamon every morning, and the management took good care of us. Slowly, over shakshuka family meals, clandestine paper cups of Cava, and a meme account called versace_foreskin, my co-workers became my friends. 

I made espresso behind that marble bar on and off over the last three years, right up until a month ago, when the museum shuttered with practically no notice. 

When I showed up for what would be my last shift, there were more employees on the floor than guests. I disinfected the entire bar while Jack told me about a short story he’d written at Oberlin, which he promised to send me. I made Tomi her last iced latte with oat milk, though I forgot to ask her to make her “botox face,” a flawless imitation of one of the Park Avenue queens whose forty-pound J.P. Morgan Reserve cards I swiped all day long when business was good. I texted Melissa an eerie picture of the empty bar where, one night after clocking out, she stole my pen and drew portrait of me on receipt paper (which she didn’t think was good enough to let me keep). I said a sad little goodbye to Erin, a fellow theatermaker who was once my only friend in the audience at one of the scariest performances of my life. She gave me a hug. It was the last meaningful physical contact I’d get before going into quarantine. 

A few days later, just before Cuomo and DeBlasio made it the law of the land, we shut our doors indefinitely, with no idea of what the future held for us, for our jobs, or for our industry. And while a cloud of anxiety about what might happen to us and the places we work will continue to hang over us until this pandemic is over, this much is certain: 

We are ambassadors for the image of New York that is proudly telegraphed to the world—the cultural Mecca of North America, the concrete-jungle-where-dreams-are-made, the town where the guy pouring your wine or pulling your espresso can tell you a thing or two about Cezanne’s apples, about Laura Wingfield’s glass unicorn, about Gershwin’s trills and Cannonball’s timbre and Nas’s ad libs. We’re expected to have an opinion and crack a joke and eventually go off and make it so you can say you knew us when we still had coffee grounds under our cuticles, but if we get hung out to dry, you won’t have anyone to bring you oysters with szechuan mignonette, nor will you have Cody’s bars or Ofer’s step-kick or Melissa’s oils or my voice, because we will have awakened from the dream and found some other way to survive, and by then? New York will be another place entirely.

ProAir

Who has the energy for an apocalypse 

I can barely get down from my second floor apartment to pick up my free-because-of-an-Ativan-trade coffee

I’m worried about the lady I sometimes buy a coffee for who chain-smokes on the bench outside 

“What’s your name again,” she asks 

“You don’t have a cigarette, do ya?” 

I won’t even know if this thing kills her, is the crazy part

I’ll just stop seeing her around

Everyone on the train has scarves over their mouths 

I’m just taking shallow breaths 

I was in the ER for respiratory problems repeatedly in 2018, before it was good for clout

I can feel my lungs tighten at the thought of going back 

If this is how I’m going out, Celiac can eat my ass, I’m eating pizza again 

I’m gonna wrap myself in a pie from Joe’s like a marathon runner in one of those foil blankets until I’m covered in oil and tangled in mozzarella

Bury me in a pizza box with a pair of Chicago J’s on 

Shave my face too, but keep my mustache 

If I had a crush on you and didn’t get to tell you, it wasn’t about you—I was just waiting for my beard to connect 

I posted this on my story and you responded but I don’t think you made the connection

And that’s okay, because your heart is already overflowing as it is 

Your lungs work fine, but I’m more worried about you than me 

I don’t really know why 

I just want to wrap you in a sweater and scrub your sneakers with a toothbrush 

Let you take a nap and lace you up proper when you’re awake 

I’ve never seen you in white anything, but a clean pair of Nikes would suit you 

I’d cut your hair too, if you wanted 

It looks nice how it is, but when I think about my thumb resting on the base of your neck, I can practically hear you exhale

And not in a sigh, which is all I’ve ever heard from you, but a slow, steady current

The kind that makes the corners of your mouth turn up into a little shit-eating grin when you remember how good it feels to breathe

BLAM BLAM

My ex used to write her texts
In short little bursts 
Quick little excited pieces of ideas 
Rapid fire
One after another
In a cadence
Much like this one
And after a while
Maybe months or years I don’t know 
I started to adopt this practice
Like
Holy
Shit
Dude
I
Just
Wow
Anytime I was exasperated 
Or emotional
Or unemotional
Really it was all the time 
And it felt cute to have this harmony
Awe look at us
Excitably firing off texts to each other
Finishing each other’s
Sentences
Hah
Except
In hindsight
I think what she was doing 
Was training me
In this new method of text communication 
That would make me
Fucking undateable 
To anyone that wasn’t her
Because who could stand onslaught 
This constant DING DING DING
BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ
It drives a person psycho 
My parents hate it 
My friends hate it
I hate it 
But I can’t stop 
I am 
In too deep
I’m like Brad Pitt in Babel
Maybe
I don’t know
I’ve never seen Babel
But this is the only way I can communicate 
Is my point 
Is the point I’m making
She fucking cursed me 
And now she’s off rapid firing texts 
At somebody else 
And I am counting the number of DINGS
Or BUZZES
It would take me 
Talking the only way I know how 
To start over with someone new 
I wonder what it feels like
To be loved
I’m sure it’s nice 

"Most Irrational Fear" Answers for Hinge

You have a lizard

You have a ferret 

You have two ferrets and a dead lizard that’s been rotting out under the heat lamps inside its terrarium for several weeks

You call your dad “daddy”

You call me “daddy” but in like, a very mundane context, like while doing a crossword puzzle

You have an ex-boyfriend who is a violent stalker and I’m the first guy you’ve been with since, and you think because I identify as an “artist” that I know how to change a lock

You ask me to come see your Grateful Dead tribute band, and the band is actually okay but you’re the drummer and you’re clearly the weakest link 

You invite me to your comedy show and you do a bunch of plagiarized jokes from a Netflix special I watched the night before and no one knows except me 

You make me watch the episode of Law & Order that you were on and your portrayal is so unconvincing that I start sympathizing with the perp

You send me pictures of your family dog and it’s a haggard, cataract-ridden mess, and you ask me how cute I think it is 

You make me Matcha cookies and expectantly await my reaction as I take a bite

You check all the boxes and seem like a total catch, but then I find out you’re an influencer

You check all the boxes and seem like a total catch, but embedded at the bottom of your profile, inexplicably, is my ex’s Instagram feed instead of yours, and I am suddenly confronted with the advertisement for her better and richer new boyfriend that her once personal account has now become 

You check all the boxes and seem like a total catch, but you quickly reveal that your sexual fantasy is a threesome with your brother a la Bertolucci’s The Dreamers 

You check all the boxes and seem like a total catch, but then I find out that your grandpa killed my grandpa in the holocaust 

You read this list and call me and ask if any of these were about you and get more upset that none of them were 

You read this list and call The New Yorker and arrange for a rebuttal wherein you rip into me for every transgression I’ve ever committed and end up becoming a famous writer off the strength of your vitriolic takedown while I wither away and die in obscurity 

You read this list and then, as a ‘fuck you,’ you get a gecko, and that gecko becomes famous on Instagram and meets Rihanna or at least Jonathan Van Ness and in turn, I wither away and die in obscurity 

You love me so much that all of my traumas and all of my baggage and all of my anxieties vanish into the ether, and even though I didn’t think I was ready, I fall deeply in love with you, letting go of every negative thought, every sarcastic dig, every self-effacing impulse, and by the time we move in together, into our floor-through apartment in our Cobble Hill brownstone, I’m so full of hope and positive energy that I lose whatever spark of ingenuity that all those years of suffering had generated in me, and when I put my pen to the paper, my voice is a sedate, neutered little husk of its former self, and I circle the drain year after fruitless year until I wither away and die in obscurity

You’re a Red Sox fan